For more information about the Center for the Advancement of Bereavement Care and support services available, click here or visit the UHealth Collective.
“It’s terrible when somebody you love so much is not here,” said Kathy Gordon, a retired nurse and grandmother who splits her time between Florida and New York.
After 57 years of marriage, Gordon lost her husband Clark two years ago to non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma of the brain. She says the holidays will never be the same.
“He was such a part of me. It’s like part of me is gone,” Gordon said.
Wendy Lichtenthal, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and Director of the Center for the Advancement of Bereavement Care at Sylvester Comprehensive Cancer Center, says when it comes to loss, there are ways to help cope this time of year.
“A concept that might be helpful for people to keep in mind is this concept of what we call, coping flexibility. Do I want to try to keep traditions? Do I want to try something new? Understanding that whatever you plan for… you’re not signing a contract; you can change your mind,” Lichtenthal said.
For many who’ve lost a loved one, the holidays are hard. That’s why at Sylvester Comprehensive Cancer Center, part of the University of Miami Health System, they have launched the Center for the Advancement of Bereavement Care to provide support for those finding it difficult to cope.
“A lot of our work focuses in on finding meaning in life after loss. We’ll hear people say, ‘But I have to go to this family dinner. I have to keep this tradition alive’. Underneath that have to, the got to, I have no choice… is usually something that is so important and meaningful that the alternative doesn’t even cross their mind,” Lichtenthal said.
She says it’s also important knowing what to say to someone who is grieving.
“When in doubt say, ‘I wish I had better words right now. This is so hard. I just want you to know I’m here for an ear. If you need me to go run an errand for you, if you want me to bring you over some food, if you want to go for a walk, I’m here,’” Lichtenthal said.
Gordon says reading love letters Clark wrote to her over the years reminds her how much she was loved.
“Long after this light on Earth has ended, long after the sun has grown cold, you will be mine to have and hold, that’s one thing I promise you. See you soon, love. Yours eternally, your love, Clark.”
For Gordon, keeping with tradition of spending the holidays with her family in New York, keeps Clark’s memory alive.
“We talk a lot about him and bring him into our lives, even though he is not there,” Gordon said.
“If we can cultivate a sense of presence of that person, that can be a great source of comfort for people,” Lichtenthal said.
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